I imagine my story is similar to that of any other musician reading this. Music has always been a driving force in my life. I was a poor boy from a poor family as they say. I was very easily pulled into the punk lifestyle. To be honest it was more of a cosplay than anything. I was a rule follower, a pacifist, and a nerd. I played Yu-Gi-oh and the trumpet. Eventually, jazz wasn’t enough though. I was allowed to take one of the broken guitars home from the mariachi class and immediately learned Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. It was the only song I played for weeks. It’s worth noting that I didn’t learn how to tune a guitar properly. I knew the basics from watching the guitar players but didn’t know what the open notes should be, so I tuned the lowest string to C natural and moved on. This made the guitar sound dark and slightly out of tune. Very punk rock. That continued to be my mythos for a long time.
I played games growing up but kind of lost interest once everyone started playing FPS games exclusively. I liked the soundtrack to Halo way more than playing Halo. I also didn’t have an X-box so playing Halo was pretty difficult. That sentiment carried across most shooter games though. Me and my sister both got insanely dizzy playing those games. If only I knew back then what I know now. Which is where to find the sensitivity settings.
Thanks to that era I all but disengaged with video games. I still liked arcade shooters though. I need to explore that further someday. Then came my son. His Mom is big into gaming so I knew he would be. He was hooked as early as 2. Knowing that I would have to be familiar with games so I wouldn’t accidentally expose him to life-altering images I began looking into what was popular.
This was a couple of years after the indie surge so games like Cuphead and Hollow Knight were already ported to the Switch which was our console of choice. It seemed to have the most kid games. I bypassed all of that and bought Katana Zero. Not the most kid-friendly game but the art was more flashy than the others. Immediately I realized I wouldn’t be able to play it with my son but I was hooked.
So I’m a fan of games now. The first part of the equation was complete. Now for the part where I learn that even I can make games.
The pandemic happened and we were all locked in our homes. Our game consoles became lifelines during this period. That and podcasts. Especially, while I worked. I enjoy my alone time but even I felt socially malnourished. Podcasts helped me feel less isolated. It had been a long time since I played music. Especially since having my son but I was still very plugged into that community. I was grateful I got out when I did. Touring and living that band life is hard. Physically and financially. The pandemic brought a lot of acts on the road to a screeching halt and a lot of those players had no other income sources. During this period there were a lot of new Youtube channels and podcasts to tune into. One in particular is important to my journey.
It was called Noise Killer and it had two hosts. Austin Blau and Jesse Zuretti. They were both touring musicians who were forced to halt all their money-making activities during the pandemic. They talked a lot about tour life and shenanigans in the music industry. Then they shifted gears a bit. They started doing episodes about what musicians like them could do now that they had so much time on their hands. I think it started with them talking about Anime but eventually, game music came up. Austin had done some music for a tank game in the past and was considering it as a new direction. He talked in length about game jams and meeting developers. I couldn’t believe it. I thought that game composers and movie composers all had degrees from Julliard or Berklee. It was the same space that John Williams and Hans Zimmer occupied. I never considered someone like me who played punk and hardcore while growing up would be able to call themselves a composer. To be fair the idea of comparing me to those composers is still bananas.
The number one thing I learned from that was that my skillset was valuable and that I could meet game developers by going to game jams. Those early days were great. Game jams bring out the best in me. The pressure, expectations, and social aspects really activate the laser focus in me. If I had known how hard it was to get in I would have stopped but I didn’t. I’m happy I didn’t cause I wouldn’t have had the experience I have now.
The next couple of months were really special. I immediately bought tickets to GameSoundCon. Due to the pandemic, it was really cheap and online. Through Zoom I saw hundreds of people like me. Musicians who weren’t into the pomp and circumstance of the academic music world but also weren’t into being rock stars. Obsessed with music but from the comfort of their home.
It wasn’t just the musicians I vibed with either. I also gelled with the developers and artists. The indie game world and the indie music world had a lot of parallels. Unfortunately, one of those parallels was the set of hoops one had to jump through to break into the industry. It was quite emotionally heavy to realize I was starting from the bottom all over again. Don’t get me wrong. I still retain that a career in game music is more fulfilling than what I was doing before this. Even if that’s just by virtue of being more fun.
Now that I was starting from the bottom I had to consider using some kind of game plan to make back the lost time. I had a good day job so I planned to work on my music business on the side while I saved up money. Inflation had different plans. All of a sudden I was living paycheck to paycheck again. Like I did when I was in the service industry. Except this time I had a family that I was responsible for. Once again. Oh boy, that is a heavy feeling.
Money troubles are no reason to give up, though. You definitely have to change tactics though. Music had to take a back seat to me making money. Historically, I am not the best at doing that outside of the workplace. I’m usually a good worker bee. My side hustles were going nowhere. I was also not having any luck getting promoted. It was getting really difficult and it was wearing me down.
Eventually, my work started to suffer. I was going to therapy and getting medicated. It was a whole thing. It got to a point where I wasn’t writing anything at all, ever. I was doing the bare minimum to survive. It was pretty brutal. In retrospect that was a clear sign that I needed to move on or change something. I couldn’t leave my job so I tried changing things. Meditating and exercising helped a lot but it didn’t fix the core problem. I no longer had the drive to keep doing the work.
I lost my job in February. It was terrifying and liberating. The job had been the source of so much of my stress but without it I wasn’t sure how to take care of my bills. That’s how this business started! With a fire under my butt! Now that I have better control of my schedule I’ve been able to handle my burnout a bit better and slowly get back to a better state mentally. I still fantasize about taking a year off just to vibe.
The unexpected side effect of being ejected from corporate America and having free time is getting to know yourself a bit better. I was molding myself to fit corporate life. Now I’m rediscovering parts of myself I forgot existed. Creativity is at an all-time high and it isn’t just focussed on music. It’s everywhere! To the point where I feel like kind of a mess. In a good way though.
Going forward I don’t even know if game music is the end. It’s what I’m doing right now. The future is open. I want to make my own games someday. I have way more experience in music than anything else but that doesn’t mean I can’t learn. For instance, I can almost do a jam on my own. So long as it’s longer than 48 hours. My only goal right now is to support my family and continue growing.
If you made it this far, thank you! That was high-key my whole life story.
Once again Happy Blaugust! May the Blaug be with you.